
Why?Because violence at home affects children...
It teaches girls how they can be treated...
It teaches boys how they can treat others...
An excerpt from The Secret Lives of Children- Tiyana- The Defiant Colt
Life in the inner city is tough. Let us not kid ourselves about it. The horrors that these kids are exposed to at such an early age are so horrendous, so egregious that not only does it warp the children, but most sadly, robs them of a childhood, a time of innocence and wonder. That it worst crime we who stand by the wayside commit against these children.
Tiyana came to school one Monday morning looking rather morose. She lined up at the Media Center without any incidents, did not utter a single word as we walked to class, and then took out her homework without being prompted.
“Okay everyone! Good morning! I know I missed you guys a lot this weekend and I am so looking forward to our week together!” Blank hungry stares from my audience. “So do you guys want to share any thing about your weekend with the class?”
And immediately several hands shot up. Every one wanted to talk about the swimming pool and Boomers. But Tiyana who always has something to say, usually in the middle of some one else’s story, remained motionless, staring out in front of her. After several stories, I called on Tiyana. “Dear, do you have anything you would like to share with the class?”
“I am very sad!”
“I can tell that, honey. Why don’t you tell us why you are sad maybe we can cheer you up?”
“My daddy had moved back to Georgia!” she said as she fought back her tears.
“Well I am sure he is going to come back soon.”
“No, he isn’t” She growled with such vehemence. “He is going to live with his son and I will never see him again. He had told..”
“Say told dear, you don’t need to say had!’
“He had… I mean he told my mom that he was never coming back!”
“Why is that dear? Did they have an argument? I’m sure when he feels bett…”
“No, my mom had got mad at him because he pushed her, so she had took a knife and stabbed him… like this” and she started stabbing wildly at the desk with vengeance.
“Oh dear!” I was speechless. How could I turn this into a positive experience? “Well, that is why we keep telling you not to hit each other in the playground because you can really hurt each other’s feelings.”
“But he has to come back next week.”
“See and you were worried that you were never going to see him aga…”
“Because he has to turn himself to the police and go to jail.”
Now she had me stumped.. What was I to say to this?
During “Say No To Drugs” week she stunned us all once again. We practiced how we would say no to a person who would offer drugs to us. Then we had a fantastic discussion about just who would be offering us drugs.
“My uncles are in jail.” She blurted out during the discussion. “My little uncle Thaddeus had gone…”
“Don’t say had gone dear, just went!”
“Oh my bad!” she said as she continued all in one breath, “My uncle Thaddeus had went to jail ‘cuz he is a baser and was selling crack to some people on our street. So now he is in jail and he had missed his own birthday and he had missed mine too. And I am sad ‘cuz he used to play a lot with me.”
“Hmm” was all I could think to offer to the girl.
She took another breath and said, “And my uncle Lamar had gone to jail because he roughed up some one who had owed him a lot of money, even more than fifty dollars. He’s going to be there for a longest time because that guy had died in the hospital. And now there is no one to play with me at my Nana’s house, so I have to go to the Boys’ and Girls’ Club.”
And what is there to say to a child who shares this about their family background with you? What other than thug mentality could she have?
The problems within her family continued. A few months later, I asked the children the same innocent question again, “Tell me bout your weekend, but this time write about it.” Some children jumped at the chance to write. Others hemmed and hawed, until finally Bruno volunteered, “But Ms. Bahrami, I had a terrible weekend.”
“Dear, I didn’t ask you to write about your fabulous weekend, I just want you to write about your weekend. I personally had a lousy weekend. I was very sad because I missed all my family and friends. I cried even. But you know that was
With that little story, the rest of them perked up. Yes, they had permission to tell me about their lousy weekends. Just how lousy, we were about to find out.
The
first few volunteers read about waterslides, ice cream and their swimming feats. Tiyana once again sat in silence. She hadn’t written a single word.
“Tiyana, do you want to read what you have written?”
“I am very sad because my weekend was very bad. My mother and father had got into a fight and my mother had got so mad at my father that she had picked up scissors and had tore up all of his pictures. And then my father had got mad and… and.” She started to tear up.
“It’s ok, dear. Take a deep breath. Tell us and maybe we can help you feel better.” Tears now started rolling down her face as she shook her head. The children started to be loving and encouraging to her. “Come on, Tiyana, we will help you to feel good,” Bruno promised her.
Tiyana looked up and looked at all of us. Then she took a deep breath. “My father had got mad and then,” she started to cry,” and then he punched my mother in the eye so hard and now… and now,” She started to sob, “And now she is blind and cross-eyed out of one eye! And she told him to get out and he’s going away for ever and I will never see him for as long as I live.” and then she started sobbing. I went to her and put my arms around her. “Shhhh, baby! It will be fine.”
“No it won’t! She is blind out of one eye!” she sobbed.
“No, honey. The doctors can help her. Has she gone to a doctor?”
“ No she will go today.”
”I bet she’ll have good news for you when you get there.” And yet what if it wasn’t true, she would think of me as a liar forever.
That set off a flurry of different stories. It seemed like all the fathers in the class were beating up on the mothers. It seemed that all the children had tried at various times to rescue their defenseless mothers from their fathers.
We spent the rest of the day talking and sharing and ended it by drawing a safe place where nothing bad could happen and our safety could be assured. Bruno even drew a picture of me driving an ice-cream truck!
I took Tiyana aside as the others were drawing their safe places.
“Listen, honey. I know that tonight is going to be a rough night for you because it is the first night without your father. So how about if Mr. Snugums comes home with you for this week to make sure that everything goes smoothly.”
http://www.un.org/Depts/dhl/violence/http://www.madre.org/